


Help Is On The Way

by Livdonna



Category: Sixx:A.M.
Genre: Addiction, Angst, Anorexia, Anxiety, Bulimia, Crying, Depression, Eating Disorders, Emotional Rollercoaster, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Self-Destruction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:27:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23422429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Livdonna/pseuds/Livdonna
Summary: “He has a problem, DJ.”I feel like i just got stabbed with a dagger right into my heart.  It’s not like I didn’t know he had a problem, but just hearing it said out loud just makes it r e a l.  I can’t push it away any-more.  It’s out in the open now.  It’s revealed.  It’s a fact, and I don’t like that because that means I can’t run away from it.That’s all I want to fuckin’ do right now.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	Help Is On The Way

**Author's Note:**

> For anyone that read my little Drabble called “Relief”, this is another scene that I wrote for it. I’m still working on figuring out where I want the full story to go, so for now im just posting individual scenes separately and then eventually I’ll post the whole thing together!!! So I hope I’m not being weird or annoying... Anyway... this was an intense one for me to write, especially because like I mentioned I’ve dealt with eating disorders firsthand and I know how the struggle affects everyone around the person who’s sick. There so much hurt and anxiety and a roller coaster of emotions. Helplessness, feeling powerless, anger, confusion.... Geez I can ramble all day about this but basically this brought up a lot for me but it’s theraputic for me to write this at the same time!! 
> 
> Again thank you so much for your support and feedback!!! If you like this (and still want me to keep giving you parts of it) please let me know! Also let me know your thoughts on this topic in general I feel like it’s something that’s not talked about or written about a lot and my goal is to raise awareness. There’s so much stigma around mental illness and it needs to stop!! Alrighty! I’ll let you read now! Love you!! (Stay safe and healthy)

Out of the corner of my eye, I could swear I see James doing burpees.

_At 3 in the fuckin’ morning._

I gulp nervously, as I walk back to my bed from the bathroom. I sit on top of the mattress, cross legged, with my head in my hands.

I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. I don’t know if I should tell Nikki about this. My head is spinning with so many thoughts and questions right now. It feels like a tornado.

_I don’t understand what’s happening._

_Do I talk to Nikki about this or am I just crazy?_

_Why is he doing this? I don’t get it._

_I can’t tell anyone. He’ll be so angry at me for being a tattle-tale._

_What he’s doing is definitely not normal though and I’m just scared._

_Is this why he fainted?_

_Is he doing this every night?!_

_For hours??_

The ocean of thoughts are starting to get overwhelming and I could feel a lump beginning to form in my throat, and soon tears start to drip down my face.

_Am I seriously crying right now? My god, DJ, get a grip!_

I’m trying not to make noise because I’m fuckin’ embarrassed right now, and I don’t want anyone to know that I’m crying... at the same time, I know there’s no way I’m gonna be able to sleep if I don’t talk to someone. I need to get Nikki. He’ll probably kill me for waking him up, but I’m taking the risk.

I wipe off my pathetic tears, take a breath, uncross my legs, and get off my bed. I try not to pay attention to the faint sounds of James’ heavy breathing down the hall, as I walk towards Nikki’s room. I get to the door, and slowly push it open a crack, hesitant.

I hear a groan coming from Nikki. He must have heard me open the door.

_Shit._

My heart begins to race again, and I’m about to run away, but to my relief, Nikki walks up to the door with a confused look on his face.

“DJ? You okay?”

I just stand there, quiet, in the crack of the door. I could feel the tears about to pour out again, as I nod my head slowly.

I know if I try to say anything, my voice will crack so I don’t. Nikki must notice, because he opens the door wide and puts an arm out to me.

“Come in... Let’s talk.”

I walk in slowly, with my head down, trying to hide the fact that I feel so emotionally wrecked right now. When the lights turn on, I squeeze my eyes shut and a feel a single tear drip down my face. All I want to do is smack myself right now. I’m so embarrassed. I feel an arm around my shoulder, and see Nikki’s concerned face.

“What’s goin’ on?

* * *

“If something was going on with James, you think he would tell us... right?”

“I... would hope he would. Why? Do you think somethings wrong?”

I breathe deeply, close my eyes and shake my head trying to brush the thought away.

“I don’t know... I’m probably overthinking it...”

Nikki looks at me, confused, brows furrowed.

“You know... a lot of times people say that your intuition is bullshit, but personally I believe in following your gut. A lot of times when you have a gut instinct about something, it’s actually right.”

That’s when I felt my stomach drop and my soul felt crushed, because he’s right. I just keep trying to push the reality away because if my gut is right, what’s going on is scary to think about.

“Ugh... God. Fuck!”

I cover my face with my hands and pull my hair.

“I keep trying to tell myself I’m making a big deal out of nothing but god... I.... my gut is telling me something else... and... I don’t like it...”

Nikki looks at me intensely, but puts his arm around my shoulders to provide comfort.

“What’s your gut telling you, DJ?”

I pause, and slowly uncover my face.

“N.... never mind.”

I’m about to leave the room because I’m entering uncomfortable territory if I have to think about the situation any-more, but Nikki jumps up and grabs my arm.

“Hey, Hey, Hey.... “

Soon enough, I can feel those pesky tears beginning to build up in my eyes once again and it makes me want to run away even more.

The only thing that stops me is the loud crash I hear from the distance. Immediately after, I can hear a sharp “Fuck!” from James.

That’s when the tears all come crashing down because you can’t run from reality if reality is smacking you right in the Fuckin’ face.

I immediately crumble down to the floor and it takes all of my power to not run out the door to see what the hell just happened. Instead, I curl myself into a ball, as Nikki lowers himself beside me.

“What’s going on in your head right now? It’s gonna feel better if you let it out.”

All that comes out of my mouth is a pathetic whimper, and then about a thousand “fucks” under my breath. Soon, everything just pours out without my control.

“He’s not okay. He’s not fuckin’ okay. None of this is okay. I don’t know what the hell hes doing or why he’s doing it but he’s not okay and I don’t know WHY—-“

I feel Nikki’s hand rub across my back in a soothing pattern. He’s trying to get me to breathe and I try to slow down but I can’t.

“DJ... Focus on my voice... Try to get it all out now and then you’ll be able to form your thoughts better...”

I use my shaking hands to grip the carpet, and bite my lip, in attempt to stop the crying. I squeeze my eyes shut, and after a few moments of silence, I try to speak again. I grit my teeth and clench my jaw.

I take a deep breath and stare wide eyed at Nikki.

“You know what he’s doing right now? It’s 3:30 in the _goddamn_ morning... and... “ I feel my lip quivering and I squeeze my eyes shut again. “He’s doing fuckin’... _burpees_!”

I have to spit that last word out because the pain of the reality is hitting me the more I say it and the more I acknowledge how fucked up this whole thing is. I let my tears run freely as I keep going.

“He’s fucking exercising as we speak... I could _swear_ —-“

Nikki stops me.

“It’s James. You know he doesn’t sleep and he does crazy things sometimes—-“

I immediately cut him off, my arms flailing in the air, because I feel desperate.

“NO, this isn’t the same thing!”

I dart my eyes around the room frantically, because there’s so much more to it than that, but I’m too fuckin’ scared to say it. I’m too fuckin’ scared because this _reality is fuckin’ terrifying._

“It’s not just that....”. I gulp, “I found... “ I close my eyes and want to scream, but instead just choke the rest out in one breath. “ _... I found a shit ton of diet pills and laxatives and a bunch of fuckin’ crap like that in his bag when I was looking for toothpaste and I thought I was goin’ fuckin’ nuts because what the hell is all of that shit for?!?!?!?!”_

Now there was no point in trying to hold my tears back or control them, because I’m having a complete breakdown right now. I don’t know if I want to laugh, cry, or scream more.

Nikki looks like he’s trying to take in all the information I just told him. I can’t read his expression, but I feel like the gears in his head are turning.

Me, on the other hand... I’m just feeling embarrassed now because of how badly I’m reacting to this whole thing... Nikki probably thinks I’m being overly dramatic, especially since I’m crying my eyes out like a pussy right now.

“Maybe I’m just overreacting... or... I don’t fuckin’ know! I don’t know!”

He must sense that I’m still panicky, because before I could say another word, my head is gently lifted up to face him.

“Hold up.... Take a breath, DJ.” Nikki’s voice is unbelievably soothing, and you wouldn’t expect that from someone like him. He would be a good meditation guide. “You said you found... laxatives in his bag?”

I nod my head and look at him with wide eyes.

“Do you remember what kind?”

_Of course I do, but I don’t want to fuckin’ remember._

Just thinking about the specifics is making my heart rate speed up and I feel my body getting tenser. I exhale and shrug my shoulders.

“There was this.... açaí berry cleanse thing... and... green tea fat burner...”. My head is spinning trying to make sense of everything. “This lemon flavored magnesium citrate... I think there were even caffeine capsules or something... I... I don’t remember what else...”

I’m embarrassed by how much I stuttered through that whole thing, and I’m tempted to look away and just end this conversation.

There’s nothing but pure silence for the next few seconds, and I’m just about to jump out of my skin.

Nikki gives me an intense stare and squeezes my wrists. His voice is low and steady.

“You know those can be dangerous, right?”

I can tell Nikki is trying to mask his fear, but I can tell that what I just told him really freaked him out.

I shrug my shoulders again and feel myself cringing.

“I... I mean... they can’t be _good_...”

“Those pills can fuck up your heart _really_ bad. Too much caffeine at once can speed up your heart rate and cause palpitations.... even irregular heartbeats.... Cleanses and laxatives can dehydrate you, and that can be super dangerous in itself.... “

I don’t want to hear any-more. I feel like I’m about to burst into tears _again_. Because....

“Is that why he fainted?”

I could feel my lip quivering, as Nikki looks at me.

“What?”

I keep my head down, and repeat the words again, this time with a sense of urgency.

“Is that why he fainted?! Because of this shit that’s fucking up his body?!”

I don’t want to face the truth, and the more I say it out loud, the more it hurts and the more I feel like I’m about to have a panic attack.

“And he’s _obviously_ not eating... Or sleeping.... and now... _this_...”

I can’t wrap my head around all of this.

“I... I just thought he was being James... You know.... Productive maniac... not taking care of himself because he just forgot to... But.... _fuck_.”

I’m staring at Nikki. My eyes are bugging out of my sockets because I keep making more connections and _I don’t like what I’m realizing_.

“This isn’t him “forgetting” anymore! This is.... _intentional_...”

I keep on rambling because I don’t know what else to do. I’m remembering things that I tried to push away because I didn’t want to think about them... I didn’t want to believe that something was wrong.

“God... Nik... When he fainted that night...” I pause, squeeze my eyes shut and take a breath. “He looked so... sick. Like... I’ve never seen him like that before, man. Fuckin’ _white_. Translucent...”

Nikki’s voice interrupts my thoughts.

“I think whatever is going on in his head is getting manifested in a different way... He’s using food or... lack of, to control something.”

I’m biting my lip so hard at this point that I think it’ll start bleeding soon. Nikki continues.

“I know what it’s like to have so much noise in your head... Intrusive, horrible, disgusting thoughts. Festering emotions... God... it feels like _hell_... Anyone would want to quiet that down... I know I did.”

He looks at me.

“You know my history... You know my story. We wrote music on it, for God’s sake.” He cracks a quick smile, looks down, and takes a breath. “Depression... mental illness.... addiction... God, they’re fuckin’ _parasites_.”

The more he speaks, the more eerie the whole situation is becoming. I keep getting chills throughout my body.

“The laxatives... The cleanses... The obsessive exercise... Not eating... He’s using it as some sort of coping mechanism.” There is a long pause, until Nikki states the obvious that I wish wasn’t so obvious.

“He has a problem, DJ.”

I feel like i just got stabbed with a dagger right into my heart. It’s not like I didn’t know he had a problem, but just hearing it said out loud just makes it _r e a l._ I can’t push it away any-more. It’s out in the open now. It’s revealed. It’s a fact, and I don’t like that because that means I can’t run away from it.

_That’s all I want to fuckin’ do right now._

I wish this wasn’t real.

It’s not fair that this is real.

It shouldn’t be real.

My head is spinning with so many thoughts, and I can’t help but blurt them out.

“How much damage did he do to his body already? How long has he been taking the stuff?! The fuckin’ pills and shit?!”

Nikki puts a hand on my shoulder and sighs.

“I... I don’t know. He could have been buying them since the start of the tour, or maybe it was a recent thing... He could have been hiding them real well the whole time and we didn’t know....”

Nikki’s voice is becoming a blur and I’m not sure if I even heard everything he said because, suddenly, I remember why I came to talk to him in the first place and I could feel my face going white.

I could feel myself disconnecting from reality. My sight is blurring and so is my hearing, but my heart is beating right out of my chest.

I feel fuckin’ _sick_.

“ _DJ...?”_

Nikki’s voice sounds so far away.

_“Hey... DJ... Are you with me?”_

The only thing that ends up snapping me out of the daze is a disturbing vision of James exercising down the hall...

... and then... something _bad_ happening.

I gulp loudly and stare wide eyed at Nikki.

“He’s.... he’s probably still exercising out there... and... oh _god_...”

“Somethings gonna happen to him. He’s taking this shit AND he’s overworking his body... and he’s performing every goddamn night like this.... FUCK!”

I have such a strong urge to punch something right now, so I punch Nikki’s mattress.

“What the.... _fuck_ is he doing.....”

My whole body is clenching. I’m so upset that I’m angry. And I’m so angry that I’m close to tears _again_.

“WHY THE FUCK IS HE DOING THIS SHIT?!”

I’m about to throw another punch, but Nikki grabs a hold of my arm before I can. He secures me in a tight, grounding embrace, and it makes me feel safe. I’m done fighting and I let myself lean my head on his shoulder. The second I do, I surrender and let the tears flow....

_Jesus... I owe Nikki a shit ton for soaking up his shirt at 3 in the fuckin’ morning..._

As I’m silently crying, Nikki rubs my back and speaks in a calming voice.

“I know how scary this is for you, DJ. It’s freaking me out too... I’ve been through my own shit, and I know how these kinds of things end... Listen, we’ll find a way to confront him. I’ll talk to him...”

He probably said a lot more that I didn’t completely comprehend, but what he did say eased my anxiety a little bit.

After soaking Nikki with my tears for a good 10 minutes, he loosens his grip on me, and looks at me with an almost fatherly glow in his eyes.

“Do you think you’re okay to sleep?”

I breathe in slowly, look around the room, and exhale with my eyes closed.

_Be brave DJ... It’s okay..._

I hesitantly nod my head.

“I... I think so... yeah.”

Nikki puts a hand on my shoulder one last time.

“If you need anything, you know I always got your back. You gotta let your feelings out. It’s better than keeping them all locked up inside...”. He smiles at me. “We’ll take care of this... I have hope.”

I give him a look of gratitude... There’s no many people out in this fucked up world who are as down to earth and genuine as Nikki.

“Thanks, man.”

He ruffles my hair and pats my back like I’m his little brother.

“Now, get some rest... We still gotta perform tomorrow night.”

* * *

The second that I leave Nikki’s bedroom, I get a chill up my whole body. All of the lights are off. James must have finished his workout...

I suddenly feel this sense of urgency... Like a “motherly” instinct, to check if he is okay. I feel like if I go to sleep without checking, something might happen... or I just won’t be able to sleep in the first place because of how high my nerves are.

Part of me is cringing and almost slightly embarrassed that I’m doing this, but the other side of me feels like it’s the right thing to do in this situation. I just care too fuckin’ much to risk anything.

I just want my friend to be okay.

I take a deep breath as I walk quietly down the hallway, and stop once I hit James’ room. The door is open half way, and the lights are off. I peek my head in, hesitantly, only to find the unmade bed empty.

I feel my body tense up, but then realize that he might have fallen asleep in the other room where he was exercising.

_The thought of him working out along with all of the other shit he’s doing to himself still makes me feel sick to my stomach..._

I make my way to the living room, and the second I get there, I notice a tiny bit of light in the far right corner, coming from the lamp on the coffee table.

I walk over to it as quietly as I can, and that’s when I see James curled up on the black leather couch.

My first instinct is to run over to him and shake him to make sure he’s alive, but I hold back my impulses. It feels like _hell_. Instead, I find myself frozen in place, just staring at him... He looks so peaceful in his sleep, despite the hell he’s putting himself through.

He’s only wearing his white tank top and black lounge pants. No hoodie... no blankets...

_How is he not freezing?_

The longer I look at him, the more crushed I feel.

The lamp in the corner is exaggerating every detail of James’ features, and I can feel my heart sink.

Without anything covering him, I can see how fuckin’ _thin_ he’s gotten. His arms are like rails, and the muscle definition that he does have is extremely defined because there’s close to no fat on him. I could see his ribs through his shirt, and his face... _fuck_... it’s so pale. Maybe it’s from the lighting, but I feel like all of his color is gone.

I look away for a second, because I feel like I might cry, but then I remember why I came here in the first place.

I wipe my eye, and turn around, this time kneeling down in front of him. I feel like such a creep, but my heart is telling me I need to do this.

I close my eyes, breathe, open them, and start to count his breaths.

I feel instant relief, just knowing that he’s _alive_.

As I’m doing this, I’m realizing that I probably look like a doctor on some soap opera. Now I’m wondering... is this what nurses or technicians do in hospitals when they check on their patients? To make sure they’re breathing? To make sure they’re alive?

I’m not comfortable leaving just yet, so I watch him for a few more minutes, just to make sure he keeps breathing like that. Just so I can go to bed knowing that he’s alive and okay... I won’t need to worry about him for the hours I won’t see him...

_Even though I’ll still be worrying anyway._

I care too much not to.

After a few minutes pass, I feel okay to leave, but even then it’s hard for me to get myself to walk away. It takes a lot for me to get up from the floor, and shut off the light... But I remember what Nikki said - we still need to perform, and I really should get some sleep.

_Emotions are exhausting._

Walking down the hall to my room feels like an eternity. My legs feel like bricks dragging across the floor. When I finally do make it there, I sit on my bed, and open up the drawer of my end table.

I had forgotten up until recently that I kept so many old pictures in there, and it’s funny that the first one I see is with James... Back in 2008, when we were touring with Motley Crue on CrueFest. It was our first real touring experience, after “The Heroin Diaries Soundtrack” went big.

I feel a little lump in my throat.

_Man... we look so happy._

I look like a total dork... Big black beanie and a huge goofy smile. And James... badass in his aviator sunglasses, all those chunky necklaces and rings... and that pure, genuine smile.

_I just want that James back._

I close the drawer and leave that picture on my end table, before shutting off my lamp and curling myself up in my bed once again... waiting to drift off into a, hopefully, peaceful sleep.


End file.
